It Gets Easier: Things to say instead

By Kassaundra Martinez

Throughout my life, both as an older sister and a mother, I have heard the phrase “it gets easier”. We have all heard it in a moment of difficulty or during a tantrum on a really rough day. "It gets easier" seems to be the thing to say when you see a parent struggling.

When the phrase “it gets easier” is used it is very likely paired with an example like, “It gets easier once they can talk and ask for what they want,” or “it gets easier once they are out of diapers,” or “it gets easier once they can walk” with a joke about being ready once they can run. In my heart I know all of these folks are speaking their truth and trying to encourage and uplift fellow parents. But something I never would have thought about if I didn’t have three children with autism is how those statements are not true for everyone.

What about those of us who have children with special needs?

Some of our children won’t ever be able to speak words. Some of our children will be in diapers for much if not all of their lives. Some of our children will never be able to walk unassisted. Some of our children will never sleep through the night. Some of our children may never be able to regulate how much they eat. Some may never be able to dress or feed themselves. Some of our children will struggle with making friends and navigating social settings according to the social norms. The list could go on and on and all of this is to say, raising a child with special needs may get more difficult as they get older.

As I sit here placing these long kept thoughts on paper, I want to share something I wish I would have heard instead of “it gets easier”. Next time, if you see a parent struggling consider saying/doing something like this:

• “It's hard right now, and it may be hard for some time, but just know you are doing a great job and I am here for you .”

• (after a parent vents) “Wow that is definitely a lot. How can I help make things a little easier?” (offer to pick up groceries or clean up around the house)

• (if on a playdate) “I noticed (insert child’s name) did (insert something great they did) today. Do they do that often? How did you help them do that?”

• Celebrate the victories with the parent and child. No milestone is too small. If they are cheering the child on, join in. Everyone loves a celebration.

• Drop off a meal

• Sit with them and listen, sometimes that is all they need.

This list is by no means the only things you can say or do instead of “it gets easier” but my challenge to all of us is to move away from saying it gets easier because for many families, it never does.